Life, Once Again!

She got on the bus. As she looked at the commercial buildings passing by, she organized what she wanted to say. Her parents would probably be worried about their daughter since she was doing something she never did in her life.

She got off the bus and walked on the familiar path. She could see an old house next to the playground. She had been living there until just a while ago.

“Mom, I’m home.” She inputted the unchanged pin lock and opened the door. Her father, wearing a tank top, told her ‘you’re here’ with a shy smile on his face.

“It feels like a really long time since I saw you.”

“It has been a long time.”

Her father seemed to be shy upon seeing his daughter act so amicable as he walked over to the TV. He only gave her sidelong glances from a distance.

“Where’s mom?”

“She’s gone to church, and she’ll be home soon.”

“So morning service. Dad, have you eaten breakfast~?”

Her father frowned and looked at her. He seemed disturbed by his daughter’s cute speech. He was probably feeling weirded out since his daughter had as much cuteness as politicians had honesty. However, she had no plans on stopping. This was her first step to becoming a daughter who was close to her father.

“I had some.”

“What did you have?”

“There were some injeolmi and sikhye so I had those.”

The conversation was cut off. While the atmosphere was awkward, she was used to this. She took a step towards the space that people would usually stay out of due to psychology.

“Dad, aren’t you curious about what I ate?”

“What did you eat?”

“I hadn’t had anything yet. I live by myself so it’s kinda hard to eat breakfast on time.”

“You’re grown up now. You should take care of breakfast by yourself.” Her father looked like he had something to say, but he started walking over to the kitchen instead.

She followed right behind him like a little duckling following its mother. Her father flinched and walked half a step faster. His widened eyes seemed to be wondering what got into her.

“You’re going to make some for me?” she asked.

“You don’t like injeolmi, do you?”

“I love them. I rarely get to eat them in the first place.”

Her father tilted his head but still opened the fridge and took out some injeolmi and sikhye. He put them on a plate and tossed them in the microwave. He crouched and scanned the buttons on the microwave.

“Two minutes should be enough.”

Her father nodded and pressed some buttons.

“Dad.”

“What?”

“Do you remember when I was in elementary school? You came with me to school sports day and got first place in the race.”

“When the heck was that?”

“You were really cool back then, you know? I nagged you to get first, and you went in, saying you’ll definitely get it.”

“You’re remembering some weird stuff.”

She looked at her father’s expression. While he responded blandly, the corners of his lips were lifted. He seemed slightly proud.

Ring! The microwave indicated that it had done its job.

“I’ll take it out.” She went to the table in front of the TV with the plate. This table had been in the house since she was a snot-nosed child. She would climb up on it, draw on it, and jump on it. She greeted an old member of the house with her eyes and put the plate on top of it.

“Would you like to eat some too?”

“Forget it. Rather than that, didn’t you say you have something to talk about?”

“I’ll talk about it when mom’s home.”

“Is it important?”

“It is. And you might be angry if you hear about it, dad.”

Her father no longer asked. He was raised in a strict patriarchal household and had become the breadwinner of a family, and he looked authoritative and indifferent at a glance. That was why, before she regained her memories, she just decided that he was ignorant when it came to her. With a twisted and narrow vision, the past her believed that that was the truth.

However, she had seen plenty as she grew up. Her father was always careful when talking to her, afraid that he might hurt his delicate daughter, and would smile while looking at small animals, as well as when he commemorated various occasions.

Even though she had seen his warm side more than anyone else, she just took the negative side of him and changed his impression. The reason was simple. She was uncomfortable with her family and had to look for an excuse to stay away from them, and she just concluded that her parents were the bad ones since she herself couldn’t be. It was a ridiculous situation created by her pathetic self-protection mechanism.

“Dad.”

“What?”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“That I love you a whole lot.”

Her father responded even more dynamically than when she said it to her mother. He kept rubbing his chin shyly alongside awkward coughs, not knowing where to look. Although they would not be able to go back to the days when her father gave her a ride on his shoulders, she at least wanted to be closer to him than before.

Of course, if he didn’t want that, she would keep her distance. If the girl’s cold attitude, which lasted a ruthless amount of time, left behind an irrecoverable scar, then she was planning to stay a polite daughter.

What broke the silence was her mother who came back from church. She stood up and greeted her mother.

“I thought you were coming at noon.”

“I came early. I could talk to dad and all.”

“How about breakfast?”

“Dad made some for me. The injeolmi was good.” She dragged her mother by the hand and had her sit next to her father while she herself sat with her back against the table. Her parents exchanged gazes.

“There’s something I want to talk about. Before I start, I hope you understand that I have thought deeply about this, and I have made my resolution to never be shaken.”

“What is it?” Her mother looked anxious.

“I plan to quit college.”

The two of them both seemed dazed. They seemed like they couldn’t understand the words that came out of their daughter’s mouth.

It was her mother who spoke first, “What do you mean by that so suddenly?”

“It’s not sudden. I’ve been thinking for a long time: the things I want to do, the things I can do, the things I do well. I thought it was too late, but someone told me that it wasn’t. That’s why I plan to try doing the things I want to do.”

“You said you liked baking bread. Isn’t that why you chose confectionery as your major?”

“It might sound strange, but I’m different from back then.”

“But you tried so hard to get into college. You’ll graduate soon too. Why don’t you just….”

“It’s not that I don’t find it a waste. Including my living expenses, there\'s over 20 million won in my student loans. But if I keep going to college, that will increase even more, so I plan to stop here.”

“Haneul.”

“I know what you want to say, mom. I would’ve tried to stop myself if I were in your shoes as well. How ridiculous is it to drop out of college in the junior year? All that time and money were invested in it, but I’m going to quit. Even if it was me, I would’ve said not to do it. But mom, I want to walk on the proper path before it’s too late.”

“I… your mother doesn’t get it. Why are you doing this all of a sudden? Did something happen? Your attitude towards me changed recently too.”

“I didn’t get caught up in an accident or something. I just matured.”

Her mother collapsed her hands. She seemed to be seeking an answer from God in heaven. Haneul wanted to tell her that God isn’t as kind as her mother makes him out to be.

“So back then is back then, and now is now?” her father spoke. He was no longer the shy father who looked away from his daughter. “Then you’ll come to us later again and say that you want to try something else then, right? And that you want to give up again.”

“Do you think I’ll do that, dad?”

“I don’t know. But it’s true that you don’t sound believable.”

“I’m sure I don’t sound believable. But I still hope you can trust me.”

“What does my trust have to do with your choice?”

“Because you’re my dad. I want to be acknowledged by you. I won’t tell you to cheer for me. I won’t come complaining to you either because it’s hard. I’m not going to resent you later for not stopping me. I just hope you can watch over me. I just hope you can see how well your daughter can forge ahead.”

“If I say I disagree, are you going to retract dropping out?”

“No. I said I had something to tell you, but that didn’t mean that I needed to discuss it with you.”

“So it’s a one-sided announcement?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry for being a rude daughter.”

Her father let out a long sigh. Her mother just looked at her father. Usually, it was her mother who decided on household matters, but in cases like these, her father had the decision rights.

“I was planning to take care of your student loans once you graduate. However, if you plan to drop out midway, that debt will be solely yours. Are you okay with that?”

“It might sound ridiculous of me to say this, but I think that 20 million is an amount I can deal with in a short amount of time.”

“So you’re confident.”

“I didn’t come all the way here just to tell you something irresponsible.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“My ultimate goal is to be an actress.”

“A-an actress?”

Even her father, who had a stern atmosphere about him, seemed rather flustered as his eyes twitched. As for her mother, she kept uttering ‘oh lord, oh lord’.

“You’re not a kid now, yet you want to be an actress so suddenly?”

“It’s not so sudden. I’ve held this thought for a very, very long time. Of course, I plan to prepare a backup plan so that I don’t starve to death.”

“Did you get an offer? Like from an agency?”

“No, I have to start from rock bottom.”

After glaring at her for a while, her father loosened the tension in his eyes.

“Honey, let’s just let her do what she wants. She doesn’t look like she’ll listen to whatever we say. Do you remember when she was young? She would never let go of her favorite doll, and she looks the same right now. She’ll throw a tantrum if we try to take it away from her.”

Her father raised the white flag. Her mother seemed to have a lot to say, but she just said ‘do it’ as though she was going to hold back for now.

“I wanted to tell you about it. I could hide it from you, but I felt like we’d truly become distant if I did.”

She grabbed her parent’s hands with her own.

“I’ve changed a lot more than you think. You’ll probably be startled if you look inside me, you know? So just watch me for a while even if I don’t look reliable. I’ll show you what a cool life your daughter will live.”

Her mother stood up from the sofa and went to the bedroom. She looked at her own hand that her mother had let go of.

“When you got into college, she told everyone around about it. She liked it more than anyone. She said you might be a cold daughter but are good at studying and have dexterous hands.”

“She must be sad that she doesn’t have anything to boast about anymore.”

“If you know about it, then take care of yourself. I don’t have anything to say to you. You said you’ll do it, so I can only watch.”

“If you feel like I’m not doing that well, then give me some encouragement.”

“Forget it. You’re not a cute daughter at all so I don’t see a reason why.”

“Huh? Did you just grumble about me, dad?”

Her father glanced at her in dissatisfaction before pushing her away.

“Go look after your mother. Go act cute and fawn over her. I’ve never seen any children do well after making their parents suffer.”

She stood up and went to the bedroom. She opened the door and took one step inside, but before she went in, she looked at her father, who was sitting in the living room. He was looking at the family photo on the wall before smiling. It was the smile she saw a lot back in the day when she walked around hand in hand with her father.

* * *

-Done reporting.

Maru shook his head as he looked at the message he got from Haneul. Her decisiveness was really something.

I can’t stay still either — he muttered as he looked at the laptop screen.

As he was scanning the list of short-term part-time jobs, he found the one he wanted. Background acting job. It was time to take the first step up the stairs.