Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

“As expected, streetside advertisements are totally false.”

Early in the morning of the next day, I met with yesterday’s priestess, whose name was Betty, at the same restaurant. I was introduced to her team. But as a veteran former adventurer, I merely had to take a glance at her team to notice that far more was strange about her team than just the team’s name, Wood Spirits Are So Cute.

Actually, not even a veteran adventurer was necessary. Even a novice adventurer would be able to notice their problems! No wonder they had Betty as the one trying to recruit people. Everyone else in this team was simply ridiculous!

The team consisted of three other people apart from Betty and myself. The first and most familiar one was... the barbarian thief I had seen bragging at the restaurant yesterday!

Standing at 2.3 or 2.4 meters tall, his wrists were thicker than my thighs. His armor was bursting at the seams due to his overly muscular body structure. His face seemed so vicious that simply a look could kill. His natural-born advantage in Strength as well as racial talent, Frenzy, made barbarians the most suited warriors to join the berserker job class. However, the moment I met him, he actually said, rather awkwardly:

“Violence is wrong. That’s why I haven’t resorted to brute force for a long time. I, Ah Gen, am a non-combat thief.”

A non-combat thief? He was telling me that a barbarian was a non-combat thief? The barbarians’ God of War would be angered to death upon hearing such a thing!

Of course I knew what a non-combat thief was. Such thieves would be experts in ruin exploration, disabling and dismantling all sorts of traps and mechanisms—not to mention the obvious, stealing. Their most important stats wouldn’t be the Dexterity and Strength that was the norm for most thieves. Instead, it would be Intelligence—plenty of knowledge was required to understand how to avoid and disarm traps and so on. No idiot would be able to become a non-combat thief. And since non-combat thieves typically spent all their time on training their special job class skills rather than their combat skills, they usually had far less than fifty percent the combat strength of their fellow thieves. In fact, it was more like zero combat strength.

Since non-combat thieves weren’t required to focus on combat strength, it naturally became the most favored job class of dwarven adventurers, as they naturally lacked Strength and were willing to do underhanded things. Their smaller bodies would be able to more easily dodge traps targeted at humans, plus they had naturally flexible bodies and racial bonuses to Intelligence, making them the best non-combat thieves of all.

As I recalled, barbarians had a racial talent bonus to Strength together with a racial talent penalty to Intelligence. Once they entered their berserk states via their racial skill, Frenzy, their Intelligence would be lowered even further, to 3 or so. They would be no different from beasts. Even speaking in complete sentences would be difficult when under the effects of Frenzy.

If he had utilized his natural-born Strength advantage and entered some type of combat-focused assassin job class, I would have only considered him “slightly unusual.” Yet, this guy actually entered the job class of the non-combat thief, the one which had extremely high requirements for Intelligence. All I could say was that this guy was probably a terrible teammate who always dragged his team down with him.

‘...I must remain classy. I’m currently a Holy Knight. If I give in to my anger and shout or viciously comment about him, I would ruin my image.’

I did my best to suppress my urges and somehow managed to smile and nod.

“Friend, may the Holy Light give you its blessing.”

At this, the tremendously tall barbarian suddenly rushed over and hugged me, with huge tears dripping down my back and wetting my shirt.

“You—you—you’re the first person ever who hasn’t laughed at me!”

“My dear barbarian friend, everyone has the right to choose their own path in life. How could I possibly laugh at you?”

“From today onwards, you’re Ah Gen’s bro! All those who laughed at Ah Gen deserved their beatings!”

Seeing how Ah Gen didn’t attempt to beat up his new companion, his other teammates had unmistakable expressions of disappointment. It was obvious that they had intended on watching a fun scene—a scene most definitely fun for them but not me. Just what teammates were these!?

The second one who came over and introduced herself was Betty, the priestess from yesterday. She appeared to be quite normal.

“My name is Betty Wenlais. You can just call me Betty. By the way, I’m a boy.”

Alright then. In just an instant, the most normal-seeming one became the weirdest one of all...

“I’m a Holy Knight, I’m a Holy Knight, I’m a Holy Knight. The most important thing for Holy Knights is... Remember: even if you’re bleeding, even if you die... your hairstyle and smile must never ever die!”

I kept muttering this to myself in an attempt to calm myself down, but I still couldn’t prevent my expression from freezing over for a moment. Seconds later, however, I recovered and used the standard #59 Holy Knight smile and reached out my right hand to Betty.

“I’m quite pleased to meet you, Mister Betty.”

“Wow! This guy is still capable of smiling! It’s just like Betty said, his fake smile seems so realistic! I’ve heard that a Holy Knight’s power is in direct proportion to how well they can maintain their fake smiles. Since he’s still capable of smiling upon learning that Sister Betty is actually a man, doesn’t that make him super amazing!?”

‘I can hear everything you just said, you bastard!’

Veins were throbbing on my forehead. Still, I kept muttering “I didn’t hear anything, I didn’t hear anything” to myself and continued smiling at this team filled with weirdos.

The little girl who was just commenting about me now seemed like the most ordinary member of this team. She was incredibly short and stocky with an ordinary appearance. Her sledgehammer at her waist, low and deep voice, and long blonde ponytail that almost reached the ground all indicated that she was from the Alaidun Mountains... a dwarf girl!

Dwarves were quite common in the world. The Underground had gray dwarves, while there were mountain dwarves and shield dwarves residing in the mountains on the surface. Although dwarves were quite short, they had stat bonuses in Strength and Constitution and would typically become smiths, warriors, or miners. They were typically direct and bold, and were natural-born warriors.

Of course, disadvantages came along with the advantages. Not only were dwarves short, but they also had slow reactions. Having them hop around like elves would be impossible. Still, dwarves were quite famous for their high defensive prowess, especially with shields. With a dwarf in their team, why did they lack a tank?

“Hello, Sir Holy Knight. I’m Mary, Mary the archer.”

This female dwarf even pointed directly at the ironwood bow on her back as she introduced herself.

Alright then, should I say that it was to be expected? There was no normal person in this team at all. A dwarf actually went and became an archer, the specialty of elves? Her mountain bloodline was probably crying!

“Very pleased to meet you, Miss Mary.”

“Actually, that should be Mrs. Mary. I’m already married with two children. My husband’s a good-for-nothing so I’m having him stay at home and take care of the kids while I’m out working, earning money to support my family.”

Pahahah, so she was a dwarf auntie all along!

I didn’t even know what to say as I looked at her rather squarish face.

There was a saying that the only noticeable difference between male and female dwarves was that male dwarves had higher-pitched voices. Yep, that’s right. It was the male dwarves who had higher-pitched voices, not female. This was mostly because female dwarves spoke in a gruff fashion and had low and masculine voices. Their deep and booming voices would always attract attention and echo numerous times.

When you looked at their physical appearances, female dwarves would grow beards just like the male dwarves, while male dwarves also enjoyed wearing ponytails. It was incredibly difficult for outsiders to differentiate between male and female dwarves based on physical features alone. Also, they had strange standards of beauty by human perspectives. I had absolutely no idea what was so alluring about a “local dwarf girl with that sexy barrel waist and thick beard,” a common dwarven saying.

Due to the differences in standards of beauty, it was also difficult for outsiders to guess a dwarf’s age. Still, most dwarven adventurers were “youngsters” that would be about 70 to 80 years old, which was why I had assumed that she was just a dwarf “girl.” But since this Mary said that she already had two children, when calculating by the fact that dwarves were considered adults at 120 years old, she was probably a bit over 200.

Alright then, with three strange teammates, I was already becoming numb. The fourth and final teammate was a nice-looking elf. His fancy leather armor and three-stringed harp on his back told me his job class. He was a very handsome elven bard.

“Hello, I’m Solonor. Nice to meet you.”

Not bad. His etiquette was quite normal, his physical appearance seemed normal, his name seemed normal, and his job class seemed normal for his species. But, for some reason, my gentlemen spidey sense instinctively told me that this Solonor was no normal individual. The chill running down my spine told me that I was in danger.

“...As expected, Solo’s taken an interest in him.”

“Big Bro Solonor’s such a fine fellow in all respects, except for this little interest of his. He’s already scared away several warriors... but we couldn’t have become such good sisters if he wasn’t like this.”

My sharp hearing picked up on their whispers. This time, my smile was finally no more.

“I—I—I... you’re gay?!”

“...Please, there’s no need to say it like that. I merely like youngsters with nice appearances.”

While saying so, Solonor was shaking my hand, and he suddenly pinched me. This caused goosebumps to spread all over my skin.

“The f***! What’s with all of you!? Let go of me! You want me to throw my shoe at you!?”

Alright then, meeting Solonor for the first time ended up like how I typically greeted Beifeng. I was now panting after having stomped Solonor under my feet.

“Krose should still be in the local Church of Law here, right? I think I need his curative smile.”

For some mysterious reason, I felt that my mood would improve greatly if the wild elf Krose smiled at me.

“Hahaha! You were disgusted by someone gay hitting on you, so you’re going to go cure yourself by finding a trap? There’s no saving you.”

As always, the silly cat’s insult arrived right on time, but I didn’t even have the spirit to retort back at her. Who were all these people? I doubted that I would find a single stranger adventuring team in the entire Forest of Dreams. Was my luck truly that awful?

“Silly cat, meow for me and act cute.”

“Meow, Master, I would like to drink some milk. I like my milk white, murky, and smelly.”

Alright then, this silly cat instantly transformed into a young golden cat girl, who had gold cat ears, a gold cat tail, and furry paws for hands. She intentionally said her words in a way that was easy to misunderstand, and she was even licking her lips while glancing at me in a seductive fashion that made her seem quite hungry for a certain something. A part of me instantly stood up... yep, all my goosebumps were now standing up.

“Go away, yep, Harloys, go and transform into a meteor in the sky.”

And so, I immediately forced Harloys back into her cat form, then stomped the ground and used a javelin-throwing posture to toss her away into the air as far as I could.

“You stupid wooden block, you deserve to be single for your entire life... Meow, I don’t like this feeling...”

I angrily turned around to discover that my new team was currently discussing me.

“He actually transformed his own pet into a woman? He must be ****ing his own pet. Could this be the legendary, Bei, um... what was it called again?”

“Beifeng! That legendary pervert!”

Alright then, it seemed that even random low-level adventurers knew who Beifeng was. Congratulations, Beifeng, you’ve achieved your life goal! You’re famous, really famous!

“Relax, even if you’ve already a Beifeng, we won’t discriminate against you. Everyone has the right to freely choose who they love.” Solonor even seemed to sincerely nod his head in understanding.

“Ahhhh! Someone who’s gay is sympathizing with my plight with women!”

At this moment, I seriously considered returning to the River Styx and starting over yet again.

“Actually, now we all feel much more reassured about you. Only someone like you will be a truly good fit for our team; no normal person would stay for long!”

Betty’s words had everyone nodding, while I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“I’m clearly a normal person as well!”

[King of all Gentlemen...]

“System, you shut up!”

Since we had all finished our basic introductions, the rule of thumb for new adventuring teams was to pick a random easy task to work together on to see how well everyone cooperated. After all, practical combat was far more convincing than what anyone said.

The wood spirits’ huge operation was scheduled to begin in three days. This didn’t affect the normal, easy-level hunting tasks, though. We randomly picked an easy “Collect 100 poisonous corpse zombie teeth” and took a horse-drawn carriage—it costed us two silver coins—and exited the Forest of Dreams.

Corpse zombies were slightly stronger than ordinary zombies. They resembled slightly shorter, skinnier, and uglier zombies, and although they weren’t physically strong, they were more agile. Their teeth and claws were poisonous. If someone wasn’t careful and died to them, there was a high likelihood that they would be transformed into a corpse zombie as well.

Corpse-type undead all had the ability to use other corpses to strengthen themselves. The name ‘corpse zombie’ was self-explanatory. Corpse zombies were quite aggressive, had excellent noses, and were considered a common sight around the Forest of Dreams.

Soon, we located a horde of corpse zombies on a hill. It looked like there was roughly between ten and twenty of them. The strongest one among them appeared to be a corpse zombie king.

I already asked my team for their power levels. This strange little team actually had decent combat strength compared to ordinary adventuring teams. All of them were at least at the Silver rank or better. Even a Bronze warrior would be able to defeat an ordinary corpse zombie, and corpse zombie kings were the equivalent of a strong Silver rank at most. This should be quite an easy task.

“For the Holy Light!”

I pretended to be the typical Holy Knight who loathed the undead in order to somewhat fix the image my team had of me. I roared out as was my habit as I rushed first as the vanguard.

And then, I ran back at an even higher speed...

In just an instant, I understood why it was that this team was unable to recruit anyone for the tank role.

Solonor and “Betty” were both backline support types, or a more blunt way to put it was that they were useless in direct combat. Mary, who was an archer, had no reason to fight on the frontlines, either. Non-combat thieves, as according to adventurers’ typical customs, were exempt from having to fight. So, in the end, I was the only one who charged forth.

Although corpse zombies had poisonous teeth and claws, why would I possibly fear that when I had the Myth-ranked shield, “Emordilorcan’s Wall of Sighs”? I was running for my life because of my teammates!

“You’re actually secretly my enemies, aren’t you! Tell me the truth, did you all actually kill your last teammate?”

Mary’s longbow was crafted out of ironwood. This type of tree only grew in the mountains and was named so due to the fact that its bark was literally as hard as iron. Wooden swords crafted from ironwood could function in identical fashion as iron swords. However, crafting a bow out of ironwood meant that no ordinary person would be able to wield it.

However, Mary was a dwarf warrior with over one hundred years of combat experience. Her brute strength was in no way inferior to any melee combat job class. Arrows that should have swiftly darted past me instead became like heavy cannon shots that went *BOOM! BOOM!* These weren’t arrows passing me by, they were more like death coming straight for me. If I had ducked just one second slower, I would probably be bald right now.

Meanwhile, the corpse zombie king was currently busy fighting against our so-called “non-combat thief,” Ah Gen.

Non-combat thieves weren’t supposed to be good at fighting? Have you ever seen a non-combat thief who wielded a huge broadsword? Have you ever seen a non-combat thief who sliced a corpse zombie king in half? This non-combat thief even went into a berserk state!

Judging by how Ah Gen’s muscles almost doubled in size and only his eye whites were showing, this was even the high-level barbarian technique “Complete Berserkness.’ This basically meant that not only would his Strength explosively increase, but he would also transform into a slaughtering machine that wouldn’t feel any pain or know how to reason. He sliced that corpse zombie king in half with just two swings of his broadsword, and judging by how Ah Gen was now drooling while staring at me, he now viewed me as his greatest threat!

“Hurry and run, Sir Roland! Ah Gen has a phobia of seeing blood. The moment he sees blood, he’ll automatically Frenzy and completely go berserk, without recognizing friend from foe!”

Alright then, I now understood why this fellow didn’t join a warrior job class. Complete Berserkness was supposed to be a trump card, but he couldn’t even control himself? That meant that he wouldn’t even be able to differentiate friend from foe on the battlefield!

“You’re all experts at making people suffer! Why do I have such terrible teammates!”